Lost

I’m reading Guy Kawasaki’s new book, Enchantment, when I get an unexpected call from the dad that he’s dropping off some of my things I left at home. Some “wearable” and still “usable” items he insists, while I can’t even remember what I left there or if I’m missing anything.

That’s the thing…

The past ten years, I’ve moved in and out of that house so often and lost so many items along the way that I’ve lost the memory of those things too. I guess a part of me never moved on from the fact that I lost so many items that were so dear to me and tied to my wonderful past lives. Especially my journals, really special jewelry, and a lot of pictures. It took a good chunk of my heart out of me for awhile, like I had lost a relationship or something. I have to admit I was quite downtrodden and it would just eat away at me everytime I thought of it.

So, I eventually found a way to make peace with the loss and let it go. I guess the real heart of the matter was that I hadn’t let go of my past and this was my last attempt to hang on to the remains or lack of remnants rather. It was the fact that I hadn’t even had the luxury of holding on to the scraps of it that had made me so angry and sad.

Anyway, it took awhile to settle things within myself and learn to leave things be, in the past. So after swallowing what seemed like such a huge loss its like little pieces of treasure I find when any unexpected items I thought I had lost resurfaces.

I guess that’s the power of gratitude.

I realized I was grumbling and lamenting over what I didn’t have anymore while clearly not being able to appreciate the new and what I had in the NOW. I guess, if I can take a moment to justify it, my journals and such memorabilia were actual pieces of ME. Filled with nights of silent tears and moments alone with my thoughts and feelings…I mean I’ve gotten through most of my hardest dark hours alone and what gave me strength was the release through writing. And well the jewelry were tokens of love, and of course pictures(old school printed photos) are irreplaceable.

So a huge obtrusive clunk at the door startled me from my book. I wasn’t expecting anything really. So I opened the dusty bags…old clothes(the OMG what the hell? confused kinda of old clothes-the type of clothes that you are actually very embarrassed for your younger self for wearing), old shoes, NEW shoes I had bought and never worn(NICE)…. some other junky crap that made me wonder what’s wrong with my dad for insisting I “needed” these…. and all the way in the bottom amidst a pile of  trinkets, like a glimmering ray of Christmas or something…an old ring. White gold and yellow gold…used to never leave my left ring finger, used to fit perfectly…wow. I thought I had lost it AGES ago, like so many pieces of jewelry. But this was special.

And at that moment, I just felt like THIS made up for everything. I just kinda sat there filled with contentment and said a little thank you shoutout to God. And while the memories of this ring came flooding back and filling my heart, I realized, what do you know… It still fits perfectly.

My hand looks positively Blair witchy or something~ I was going for the artsy look but it came off spooky.

No amount of bling or expensive fluff can ever replace this gold ring. You go through life with such a disheartening amount of fakery and fluff around. The moment you are lucky enough to find something authentic, those are the moments we really live for.

New days breeze while we learn to neatly fold our past away and tuck it into the back of our closets. And one fine day, if you are lucky enough to stumble upon that neatly folded piece of your past, you realize how real and genuine and authentic it was. Like all real things that are dear to the heart, it never goes out of fashion, its never outdated, it always comfy and warm. It just fits.

So I took a brief moment and reveled in those yesterdays. It felt  romantic like pink lit long summer nights, exciting like the heart dropping, heart pounding roller coasters  at Great Adventures, funny like humor you JUST GET, sexy like the electric that glows when his breath skims the nape of  my neck, and lovely like the most beautiful girl in the world.  Safe, like I knew  exactly where I belonged.

And then I snapped out of it but it left me with a warm feeling inside. Happy to have found happiness in my present life and wise enough to appreciate things for having happened rather than shun away the past as regrets or mistakes. Funny little ways God lets me know he’s looking out  since He and I are the only ones that truly know what I’ve been through. And now I’m ever more grateful since these little nods my way are just  to make me whole for what He promises me for the future.

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Reminders for a Beautiful, Healthy and Happy Life

1. Wake up in the morning hopefully before the sun is up and try not to oversleep.

2. Eat breakfast!!!

3. Dont procrastinate small chores that seem irritating at the moment. It will bother you like a pesky itch you have to scratch all day, and the process repeats itself till that small chore has accumulated to a big heaping mound of deterrence to success?

4. It’s never too late to start again!

5. Forget yesterday. But always journal yesterday.

6. Forgive all things that happened yesterday.

7. Focus your intentions on the positive, the prize, the dream(s). It will come true one day.

8. Be kind to your parents. They tried their best. There may be hurt and pain but underneath all is LOVE that forgives all.

9. Be especially kind to mother. She deserves it. Spoil your parents whenever possible. Do not ask what they can do for you but what you can do for them!

10. When angered, take a step back, cool down. Remember you can NEVER take it back once you spit it out. That fable of the nails on a fence… about the father teaching the son that once the nails are embedded in the fence you can go back and take the nails out but the scars remains always on that fence, and blah blah blah. Words will cut like knives or drill scars into a person like nails, and you will regret it.

11. Remember that the pain you have caused others will hurt more than the pain you do unto yourself. TRY not to do both and do good by everyone even if they are assholes. But if they TRULY are assholes then well carefully choose plan B! as in plan psychoBitch=)

12. It’s okay. All the mistakes. It’s not like somebody ever taught you ALL the ways of life anyway.

13. Compassion and kindness seems to be the only way.

14. Ego and pride makes one act, look and behave quite foolishly. Try to curtail as much as possible while valuing yourself.

15. NEVER devalue yourself over matters not pertaining to the REAL things in life. It’s not about money or pride or anything else that makes one man better than another. It’s integrity and purity of heart and soul.

16. You don’t live forever. Remember that. Mistakes, embarrassments, good days, bad days, its better than being dead. Appreciate and be grateful.

17. Try to do a little prayer here and there and always at bedtime. Say Thanks and have closure for the day with God.

18. The “dark” awful days are over. Life is love and pain, accept it. You can’t change it but don’t let it influence your present self in a negative way, only wiser and stronger for having lived through . You’re better than the sum of your mistakes and regrets.

19. Old world romance is so in!!!

20. Natural, organic products whenever possible.

21. Young is a mindset. I wasn’t young when I was young. I felt like an old maid. Ever cautious and confined to being one way, afraid to displease outdated conventions. But I am free to do whatever now. I’m FREE!!!

22. This list shouldn’t ever end. Constant realization+Constant learning+constant drive=neverending self improvement

23. Never settle for less.

24. Never bend over backwards for anybody if you don’t want to. Set your limits and always remember even if it is REALLY hard to say NO. You are entitled to say NO.

25. One day you will love again! That crazy, goofy, puppy love filled with magic.

26.This is the year of reinvention. Life is not about finding yourself but inventing yourself into who you wanna be. What the fuck? Why, then, have I been searching for myself all these years? No wonder I couldn’t find myself, I was right here all along!

27. The best transformation starts from within and all, but the TRULY best transformation starts with ones wardrobe. hah.

28.Never adopt others style as one’s own.

29. Take criticism whenever possible with a grain of salt, but reflect for a second or two from the others point of view as to whether it is a crazy rant and useless dribble of some loser or does it have that tinge of reality ? If so look into as constructive and improve oneself.

30. Be wise and know from blatant nastiness and constructive criticism.

31. Read more.

32. Breathe deeply and with mindfulness.

33. Wish him well. After all, he’s a part of who I am and whoever I will be.

34. Optimal time to sleep is 10 pm and wake is 6am! But who are we kidding?

35. Time is not your enemy.

36. Seize the fucking moment! It may never come again.

37. Ditch all the negative criticisms you’ve heard from your negative relatives or peers. It’s everybody’s shame to have dysfunctional surroundings but in this case it’s best to let it go. I will forever be misinterpreted, misquoted,misunderstood and misrepresented. The truth lies within myself.

38. Be kind and generous to all. Even if theres nothing “in it” for me.

39. Practice the art of detachment from EGO.

77. The eyes have it! Shifty eyes= shifty character BE WARNED!

to be continued….

Hello world!

Well hello there~

I’m Lisa and I’m the girl sitting behind this laptop trying to get over the initial awkwardness of a fresh blog.

In my eager attempts to be utterly original it’s already 2:35am and feel like I haven’t been very productive.

Also, I’m not in Seoul yet. I will be in about a month and seriously, waiting is the hardest part. I’d like to say I was born and raised in NY (its so much cooler) but I was born in Baltimore, Maryland and raised in NY. Went to HS in the Bronx and college in upstate Albany with a brief stint over at Cambridge in England. So having said that, I feel it’s okay to reveal that, at times, I channel my inner Madonna and fake a British accent. Although it comes quite naturally when I’m alone. Oh dear God, I don’t do it in public. Anyway, its already close to 3am, my caffeine intake will tide me over well past 5, so let me tell you a little about me. I promise I wont make it too long.=)

If you couldn’t already tell I’m a bit of a dork. I really enjoy writing. It’s a form of art that is most akin and comes very naturally to me. The best outlet for any type of random musings, heartaches and heartbreaks, annoyances, secrets, just plain bitching, all kinds of boredom, etc. Which is probably what this blog will most likely be about although I’ll try to blog about things other than myself. So 90% life, food, culture, fashion and other fun things in Korea and 10% me? K we’ll see.

Moving to Korea feels almost a natural procession as opposed to a nervous endeavor. The last 4 years were quite strange in many ways leading up to 2011. I moved out from my parents home in Rockland as a temporary, quick solution  before trying to find a “real” home, wherever that was. So I managed to live here as if i could move out any second, any day…but time flew by and its the end of four years already! Funny thing is, while in the middle of “not quite here” and “not quite there”, I felt as if I lived a whole different lifetime, trying to fit in all over the place. Guess I was trying to find somewhere I really felt I belonged. I refused to settle down here or accumulate any real things in this house and instead, learned the freedom of letting go, giving away and clearing the clutter.

I really could not find myself as I had tried. Then slowly, I realized it wasn’t about finding myself or anything, anyone, any home, for that matter. But eventually evolving into who I wanted to be, creating my best self. Guess the only way to get “there” and here, the now, was to make those MANY(eek) mistakes. And the wisest thing I’ve learned is that mistakes don’t define who I am but instead, most importantly, who I’m not. I already knew deep in my heart who I truly am. And accepting my deepest regrets knowing that without them I wouldn’t have been able to define the girl I didnt want to be, set me free. Is this getting too “hallmark” for ya? k, no more cheese, moving on.

The things I am: awesome chef, compassionate soul, humble Christian, Buddhist believer, Zen advocate, paranoid thinker, crossword enthusiast, passionate writer,obsessive nutritionist, budding fashionista,  serial hair flipper, fussy perfectionist, kick ass therapist, lucid dreamer, smart monkey, wild child, freedom lover, heart breaker, dream maker, love taker and of course, booty shaker.

The things I’m not: pretentious princess, arrogant asshole, ignorant hate monger, fake snob, rude bitch, or old maid(at least i try).

The things I can be: naive, trusting, loving, bitchy, goofy, clumsy, scary, melancholy, dramatic, reclusive, easily annoyed, sarcastic, funny, ditzy, illogical, and insane!

The things I simply CANT be: evil(well maybe sometimes), conniving, fawning, slobby(is that a word?), distasteful, overtly cutesy, just average and normal but mainly that cute thing!!!! I hate those girls that try to act CUTE when they are like over 12, grosss! I may not be sure of a lot but this one thing I promise NEVER to be or do is this.

Wow that was harder than I thought and I know I’m missing something. And omitting some things as well. =) You should try it.

So thats me in a nutshell.

So, I bare myself to “the world” through this blog in attempts to make my dreams and goals a complete reality. I’m putting my intentions into the loving arms of the universe and trusting God in all I do.  Well, starting next week I’m officially going to pack and get things going for the trek to Korea. Of course, I’ve only seen Korea as a visitor in the past but to embrace it as my home for the next some odd years seems a bit daunting. Especially since I can’t take more than a two month visit there without wanting to bitchslap the nearest unlucky sucker to piss me off. But I have committed myself to only positivity and you know, just an effortless choice for happiness. I choose to be happy no matter what. Happy, healthy, wealthy and successful. I hope Korea is ready for this monster. =)

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