Lost

I’m reading Guy Kawasaki’s new book, Enchantment, when I get an unexpected call from the dad that he’s dropping off some of my things I left at home. Some “wearable” and still “usable” items he insists, while I can’t even remember what I left there or if I’m missing anything.

That’s the thing…

The past ten years, I’ve moved in and out of that house so often and lost so many items along the way that I’ve lost the memory of those things too. I guess a part of me never moved on from the fact that I lost so many items that were so dear to me and tied to my wonderful past lives. Especially my journals, really special jewelry, and a lot of pictures. It took a good chunk of my heart out of me for awhile, like I had lost a relationship or something. I have to admit I was quite downtrodden and it would just eat away at me everytime I thought of it.

So, I eventually found a way to make peace with the loss and let it go. I guess the real heart of the matter was that I hadn’t let go of my past and this was my last attempt to hang on to the remains or lack of remnants rather. It was the fact that I hadn’t even had the luxury of holding on to the scraps of it that had made me so angry and sad.

Anyway, it took awhile to settle things within myself and learn to leave things be, in the past. So after swallowing what seemed like such a huge loss its like little pieces of treasure I find when any unexpected items I thought I had lost resurfaces.

I guess that’s the power of gratitude.

I realized I was grumbling and lamenting over what I didn’t have anymore while clearly not being able to appreciate the new and what I had in the NOW. I guess, if I can take a moment to justify it, my journals and such memorabilia were actual pieces of ME. Filled with nights of silent tears and moments alone with my thoughts and feelings…I mean I’ve gotten through most of my hardest dark hours alone and what gave me strength was the release through writing. And well the jewelry were tokens of love, and of course pictures(old school printed photos) are irreplaceable.

So a huge obtrusive clunk at the door startled me from my book. I wasn’t expecting anything really. So I opened the dusty bags…old clothes(the OMG what the hell? confused kinda of old clothes-the type of clothes that you are actually very embarrassed for your younger self for wearing), old shoes, NEW shoes I had bought and never worn(NICE)…. some other junky crap that made me wonder what’s wrong with my dad for insisting I “needed” these…. and all the way in the bottom amidst a pile of  trinkets, like a glimmering ray of Christmas or something…an old ring. White gold and yellow gold…used to never leave my left ring finger, used to fit perfectly…wow. I thought I had lost it AGES ago, like so many pieces of jewelry. But this was special.

And at that moment, I just felt like THIS made up for everything. I just kinda sat there filled with contentment and said a little thank you shoutout to God. And while the memories of this ring came flooding back and filling my heart, I realized, what do you know… It still fits perfectly.

My hand looks positively Blair witchy or something~ I was going for the artsy look but it came off spooky.

No amount of bling or expensive fluff can ever replace this gold ring. You go through life with such a disheartening amount of fakery and fluff around. The moment you are lucky enough to find something authentic, those are the moments we really live for.

New days breeze while we learn to neatly fold our past away and tuck it into the back of our closets. And one fine day, if you are lucky enough to stumble upon that neatly folded piece of your past, you realize how real and genuine and authentic it was. Like all real things that are dear to the heart, it never goes out of fashion, its never outdated, it always comfy and warm. It just fits.

So I took a brief moment and reveled in those yesterdays. It felt  romantic like pink lit long summer nights, exciting like the heart dropping, heart pounding roller coasters  at Great Adventures, funny like humor you JUST GET, sexy like the electric that glows when his breath skims the nape of  my neck, and lovely like the most beautiful girl in the world.  Safe, like I knew  exactly where I belonged.

And then I snapped out of it but it left me with a warm feeling inside. Happy to have found happiness in my present life and wise enough to appreciate things for having happened rather than shun away the past as regrets or mistakes. Funny little ways God lets me know he’s looking out  since He and I are the only ones that truly know what I’ve been through. And now I’m ever more grateful since these little nods my way are just  to make me whole for what He promises me for the future.

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